Written on 06/05/18 and never posted...just read and it seems really good!
Way Down Under
Working in Antarctica, travel, and the rest of it.
Wednesday, March 13, 2024
I'm a known coward in a coward's skin...
Friday, February 16, 2024
photo by Bret Bradford for Frontera Fest 24 |
I had been visiting the tiny house village for about 4 years off and on before finally buying this beautiful, sweet little house...I almost immediately regretted it, and had a two month overlap with my apt. I'd lived in for 6 years and was going back and forth like some super tortuous relationship between two lovers. It almost felt like the same kind of drama; and since I've been single for over a decade I can't really remember what all that drama felt like (except it would be intolerable to me now), but the pining and regret and remorse was very stressful to me. There were so many things to love about the tiny house! It looked so good and shiny and new and was adorable. Ugly things started to emerge: my neighbor let his dogs poop on the side of house every time they went outside...the management company was awful and unreachable and horrific. The little house was fragile and it wasn't a true lock and leave like this treehouse room I have now in Hyde Park.
And then there was the community...it either had to be a perfect fit or it just didn't feel right at all. There was an initial 10 homes of people that really bonded, and new comers were treated warmly but perhaps not part of the "in crowd" - and the in crowd was not my crowd and it felt like the complete opposite of the way I felt when I went to the Ice I felt like I was at HOME - this tiny home community felt like a place that was scratching at my soul all the time telling me that I didn't belong so I tried to force myself to love the place and bond there but it was just crushing my spirit to be there. I did't feel like I was in Austin anymore - I felt like I had to choose: either my old fun Austin life, or Tiny House Village. It was only 15 minutes away by car...but that 10 miles went from city to unfamiliar country very quickly. Last February I went on a South America/Antarctica trip where I looked at Austin rentals every single day and had already visited the apartment I now live in before the trip, but it was still available when I got back and I started moving into it 2 days after I got back from a huge one month trip.
There are people there that I love and miss, but I need to be in the center of town...center of the action! I will get paid for the house soon and will have enough money to buy a condo or I can just keep renting. I feel I need a big change...or maybe not a big one. I go to lots of rock & roll shows, have lots of friends I love seeing out at shows, and have a work tribe I have bonded with for 7 years now. I often think I need a boyfriend, but I don't really meet anyone who feels like a good match for me...I get crushes and flirt a lot and have some male friends I go do fun things with, but it has all been platonic. That is probably a good thing for me ultimately. I certainly got my fill of that kind of fun for about 40 years - I had more than my share for sure.
I am really enjoying being older and not having the concerns I did when I was younger...I am so blessed financially that I never take it for granted. I go on roughly 6-8 fabulous trips a year, my two NYC ones being a continual joy. A city that ripped me open upon first site in 1979 and continues to thrill me in 2024. I'll be there in a few weeks, and as always, it will be fabulous. I have Taos, which is always magical and soulful, and there will have to be some sort of respite from the summer...I was lucky enough to be in Copenhagen & the British Isles for two glorious weeks last August. I think it is one of the best trips I've ever done. I went many places in Scotland, Isle of Man, Liverpool, Dublin..it was so great...just everything!
I just looked up at my photo and forgot to talk about Frontera Fest. I had made this 9 minute film last summer that was okay but some people seemed to really go gaga about it. A friend of mine signed me up for this play festival and I thought it might be fun until I saw that I had to do all the technical stuff myself, spend a lot of $ renting a projector, figuring out how it worked, how I was going to turn it into a performance. Sweetly, about 20 of my friends paid 25 bucks to come see my do my 10 minute thing - and most of them left after mine and there were 4 more plays left to see...it was a month ago today that I did the show, and I am So. Glad. It's. Over!!!
I keep saying I want something BIG like Antarctica again. Actually, I just want Antarctica again. I don't think there is anything else like it. I keep thinking the next big thing is around the corner & I'm willing to settle for second best...but there is no second best. There is what I experienced working there, and there is everything else. There is See God Now & Purpose and Meaning and Deep Joy Everyday, and there is this small little world on top of that place that is just a world of people driving around and shopping and eating in restaurants. And I am one of them and it's okay but it is not The Ice.
Here I am going on about the Ice again after a period of really thinking it was behind me and not thinking of it every single day. I have had some ecstatic experiences lately: Shane MacGowan tribute night, Alejandro's cavalcade of stars with a kiss from David Ramirez that I nabbed as he was walking off stage. Just this past week I got a big tattoo, had a fun lunch with a new girlfriend, and had two boys sandwich me at a screening of Wings of Desire - one of the most beautiful films ever made. One of them made hand dipped chocolate strawberries and I felt like I'd had a bit of romance on VD for the first time in 12 years (my last major boyfriend was über romantic)...all chaste of course, and filled with super juicy talk about the film and ultra woke politics afterwards!
So it seems like I have a pretty good life but I'm always wanting more...wanting that searing, blinding hot romantic connection that used to come all the time and now comes unexpectedly and SHATTERS me for 6 months. I never wanted anything more than I wanted Antarctica, but this past summer, I did want something that badly. I went through something I'd never been through before, and I'm just gonna leave it at that...but as long as I have trips to look forward to, I'm happy. That is my real home: doing all the planning and excitement about the trip, getting no sleep on the trip and feeling exhausted, and getting to have ecstatic conversations with people all over the world...
Damn I've written my way into seeing how great my life is...what a joy to have the gift of automatic writing bring all the things you need to you.
Sunday, June 04, 2023
Back Home
Wednesday, November 02, 2022
Tiny House and Thirty
I just bought this tiny house - about 6 weeks ago. In that 6 weeks I have gone through a huge gamut of emotions and some serious buyer's remorse...over the past year I have curated this very interesting life: lots of rock and roll shows, lots of juicy contact with new friends that I see when I go out, good movies at the film society and epic, epic travel! I went on a 24 day cruise that circumnavigated Iceland and traipsed through Greenland, Newfoundland and Labrador also. It was just incredible - very fun all of the time. I got back from that trip end of August after a brutal Texas summer...I was so miserable and was so happy to be somewhere cool.
When I got back from that trip I had my September Taos painting workshop looming on the horizon but I didn't feel like going. I hadn't had that much fun in May, but I had had a deep process in the painting. I thought about it for a few days and then decided to save the money and not go...so I was looking at two weeks before my job started and I came out to look at the tiny homes here at the tiny house village that I had been looking at for several years. I looked at a few for re-sale, then I came and toured ALL of the brand new homes for sale on the Farm side and was seriously thinking about a couple of them. I went home and mulled over all the info...and just felt like I wasn't ready...none of them seemed perfect enough. But I had seen this one house that had a for sale by owner sign and no one was talking about it - so I was sitting around my apt trying to figure out what to do when I saw that I had taken a photo of the sign and called the number and a guy who the owner hired to help out (not a realtor) told the price and I gasped - it was 30-40K less that than the brand new ones, and had some add ons that are pricey and I really loved. When he sent me the photos I was like I Want to See it Right Away! Short story long: I saw the house on Saturday a half hour before the open house was to start, and on Monday I was at my bank wire transferring the $ to the owner's bank account. We both had a week off of were getting everything buttoned up FAST so it was mine...by the next day it was my house. She handed me the keys and a giant binder with all the manuals and I had met some neighbors...for a solid week before work I moved carload after carload of stuff over there...bought a bed and a little couch and made it live in ready. It was adorable, but something didn't feel right...
By the friday after I bought it I spent my first night there...I was uncomfortable and didn't sleep well, was cranky in the a.m because I had no coffee. I raced back to my apt and felt like I was coming back to my HOME...my sweet, giant quiet apt I had live-in for 6 years....the longest I had ever rented an apt. I had never had a lease for more than one year..then I owned a house for 9 years, a condo for 4, rented in Oregon for a couple of years, and bought the mountain cabin and lived in it for 3.5 years and sold it a few years later.
I came back Saturday to stay here and there was a loud party at the Mexican neighborhood attached to this one and I freaked out...I packed up my stuff and RACED back to my apt. For the next few weeks I would stay at the house for a few days, just JONESIN to go back to my apt. In my mind and heart that apt. was EVERYTHING to me...it was my new Antarctica! This special, deeply soulful home for me that I needed to get pack...I went on a whirlwind of activity based in fear: going back and forth with apt. management on leaving or staying (they management sucks bad so that is why I was going to leave anyway)...looking at apts. near my old apt. so I could have my super convenient place to live. I pined for that apt. and my big bed and private upstairs like a homesick child. I have never actually been very homesick...but I was homesick BAD for that apt. In the midst of working hard, looking at apts., having a realtor on standby to sell the house before I even moved in, I had lunch with a friend who said "you never have to spend another night there" and that made my body relax so much that I just stayed in my apt. a few days...what happened after I got that huge dose of permission is that I became curious about the house: I thought about it's brand new cuteness...the over the top beauty of the design, the sparkling new washer and dryer and icemaker, the no shared walls, my own little parking spot right outside my door...close to town, but also sort of in the country. I am sitting here now and I love it..but my heart and soul went though one of the saddest and toughest times ever with this change.
I was so afraid I was going to have to change my personality, give up my rock and roll lifestyle, sit out her and be fat and hang out with boring people...it felt so far away...but it isn't...I am right in town..just a few miles out east...
The second issue is the front door, back door! The front porch is gorgeous and all the neighbors walk around and visit each other and gossip and they are not my people...I had been making myself go out front and hang with them and bond with them and I felt like I was supposed to be doing that. But when I come in and just hang out in my bedroom like I did when I was in my apt. I do much better and feel more true to myself. I have done somethings to try and fit in and they have made me miserable. I have to really listen to my guy and stay inside if I don't feel like interacting with them. Not all the houses have a back entrance...mine is my saving grace - I even have a full, private back porch. I open the blinds in the morning and sit in bed, drink coffee and look out the window at people walking by...I am getting more used to it. I can stay in town after work and go to a show, movie or meeting.
The first thing that made me go in shock about this place was that a few days after I bought it a FIREPIT was installed directly in front of my house. Everyone but me loves this...all I can think of is noisy people - it looks like a KOA campground out there - fucking hell! It might be okay...it might get used in the winter and people might be quiet at it, but if they are loud, I am not going to like it.
When I decided to stay out here and no go back and forth to the apartment, things got better for me..I accepted that this is my home...this is where I live...when my job is over I will decide if I want to stay here or move back into town...or move OUT of town. I have fun trips planned next year! Taos in May, British isles in August, and I'll throw in a couple of New York and Alpine trips to boot. May fly to Pittsburgh to go check it out - but Austin has been really good to me these past 6 years...just lots of epic fun and lot of super busy going out and having a blast. I love my life.
And yesterday, I had 30 years continuous sobriety. Hell Yeah.
Saturday, November 27, 2021
Hard 29
Sunday, August 15, 2021
West Texas (I also went to Santa Fe)
art installation in the desert |
my beloved Antelope Lodge |
rainbow |
Marfa, TX |
the coolest store ever! Haven't been our here in around 15 years and it has been a terrific couple of days |
I went to Santa Fe first but that deserves it's own posting...or maybe not...I was with friends there so had a very different experience than when I'm on my own like I usually am when I'm out here. This is my first solo trip without Fergus...I spent more time out doing stuff than I would if he were in the car...but not that much more stuff...it would have been difficult as it's not cool enough to have the windows up and it rained so much I couldn't have left the car windows open.
What feels really different this time is that there is no urgency to moving out here...I know that when the times comes (if it does)...then I can relaxedly move out here and do my artwork and watch beautiful sunsets. But will I like that? What I've loved most on the trip is the driving...getting from point A to point B in a luxury car and really enjoying the drives...I like the intensity of these road trips...it really suits me. I notice that I like to be interacting with people a lot in shops and during transactions...I probably over-visited with 4 shopkeepers today, but I did buy something in every shop so I guess they were okay with it. There is just so much to talk about as I've been coming here so long and watch the changes.
And on this trip I've been dreaming a lot...sleeping deeply and dreaming a lot..a certain kind of dream that I haven't been having before...dreams with the same theme: of really wanting to connect deeply with someone in an intimate way...since things have opened up and we were maskless for a a few months my life was really ramping up in the going out and meeting men area. I was having a lot of really good intimate connections with people and feeling like something could happen. There was one particularly good night where the flirtations was strong and intense, but he said he wasn't "really single" so no numbers were exchanged but I ran into him a few other times at shows and meh. Then I met this tall tattooed German guy who was striking and intense, and we really bonded over some deep intimate talk of what it's like to be OLD and single. I dunno - I don't know what I want..or maybe I just haven't imagined it yet...maybe I just haven't opened myself up to the possibility that there is someone out there who wants me exactly like I am...someone easy and fun and laid back and loves to laugh. Someone Texan and goofy but hip and darling too...and most of all, someone who treats me like the one he's been waiting for all his life. The beloved. Now I read a lot of Rumi and Hafiz and do all the spiritual practices that tell me that the one I am waiting for and the beloved are MYSELF, and sometimes I really feel that. Sometimes when I'm "on the beam" I really feel at one with the universe. I feel on the beam on this road trip. I get to perform again this weekend. I get to do fun stuff and travel. I get to love the people I love. I get to drive to Alpine (via Lubbock, Santa Fe, Cloudcroft NM) and it's an easy trip...very very easy. And I relaxedly get to decide if I'd like to buy a home here. It could be really nice! But 3 hours to the airport! Oh well, that would be another road trip!