photo by Bret Bradford for Frontera Fest 24

It's been over 6 months since I've blogged and it feels like a lot has happened - a lot of it good and a lot of it that I will refer to cryptically as I have not completely processed it yet. My tiny house sold yesterday, almost after a year sitting empty for sale. I was surprised at the grief feelings that came up...but then it was a little home that I was very excited about and had totally fallen in love with when I saw it. 

I had been visiting the tiny house village for about 4 years off and on before finally buying this beautiful, sweet little house...I almost immediately regretted it, and had a two month overlap with my apt. I'd lived in for 6 years and was going back and forth like some super tortuous relationship between two lovers. It almost felt like the same kind of drama; and since I've been single for over a decade I can't really remember what all that drama felt like (except it would be intolerable to me now), but the pining and regret and remorse was very stressful to me. There were so many things to love about the tiny house! It looked so good and shiny and new and was adorable. Ugly things started to emerge: my neighbor let his dogs poop on the side of house every time they went outside...the management company was awful and unreachable and horrific. The little house was fragile and it wasn't a true lock and leave like this treehouse room I have now in Hyde Park. 

And then there was the community...it either had to be a perfect fit or it just didn't feel right at all. There was an initial 10 homes of people that really bonded, and new comers were treated warmly but perhaps not part of the "in crowd" - and the in crowd was not my crowd and it felt like the complete opposite of the way I felt when I went to the Ice I felt like I was at HOME - this tiny home community felt like a place that was scratching at my soul all the time telling me that I didn't belong so I tried to force myself to love the place and bond there but it was just crushing my spirit to be there. I did't feel like I was in Austin anymore - I felt like I had to choose: either my old fun Austin life, or Tiny House Village. It was only 15 minutes away by car...but that 10 miles went from city to unfamiliar country very quickly. Last February I went on a South America/Antarctica trip where I looked at Austin rentals every single day and had already visited the apartment I now live in before the trip, but it was still available when I got back and I started moving into it 2 days after I got back from a huge one month trip.

There are people there that I love and miss, but I need to be in the center of town...center of the action! I will get paid for the house soon and will have enough money to buy a condo or I can just keep renting. I feel I need a big change...or maybe not a big one. I go to lots of rock & roll shows, have lots of friends I love seeing out at shows, and have a work tribe I have bonded with for 7 years now. I often think I need a boyfriend, but I don't really meet anyone who feels like a good match for me...I get crushes and flirt a lot and have some male friends I go do fun things with, but it has all been platonic. That is probably a good thing for me ultimately. I certainly got my fill of that kind of fun for about 40 years - I had more than my share for sure.

I am really enjoying being older and not having the concerns I did when I was younger...I am so blessed financially that I never take it for granted. I go on roughly 6-8 fabulous trips a year, my two NYC ones being a continual joy. A city that ripped me open upon first site in 1979 and continues to thrill me in 2024. I'll be there in a few weeks, and as always, it will be fabulous. I have Taos, which is always magical and soulful, and there will have to be some sort of respite from the summer...I was lucky enough to be in Copenhagen & the British Isles for two glorious weeks last August. I think it is one of the best trips I've ever done. I went many places in Scotland, Isle of Man, Liverpool, Dublin..it was so great...just everything!

I just looked up at my photo and forgot to talk about Frontera Fest. I had made this 9 minute film last summer that was okay but some people seemed to really go gaga about it. A friend of mine signed me up for this play festival and I thought it might be fun until I saw that I had to do all the technical stuff myself, spend a lot of $ renting a projector, figuring out how it worked, how I was going to turn it into a performance. Sweetly, about 20 of my friends paid 25 bucks to come see my do my 10 minute thing - and most of them left after mine and there were 4 more plays left to see...it was a month ago today that I did the show, and I am So. Glad. It's. Over!!!

I keep saying I want something BIG like Antarctica again. Actually, I just want Antarctica again. I don't think there is anything else like it. I keep thinking the next big thing is around the corner & I'm willing to settle for second best...but there is no second best. There is what I experienced working there, and there is everything else. There is See God Now & Purpose and Meaning and Deep Joy Everyday, and there is this small little world on top of that place that is just a world of people driving around and shopping and eating in restaurants. And I am one of them and it's okay but it is not The Ice. 

Here I am going on about the Ice again after a period of really thinking it was behind me and not thinking of it every single day. I have had some ecstatic experiences lately: Shane MacGowan tribute night, Alejandro's cavalcade of stars with a kiss from David Ramirez that I nabbed as he was walking off stage. Just this past week I got a big tattoo, had a fun lunch with a new girlfriend, and had two boys sandwich me at a screening of Wings of Desire - one of the most beautiful films ever made. One of them made hand dipped chocolate strawberries and I felt like I'd had a bit of romance on VD for the first time in 12 years (my last major boyfriend was über romantic)...all chaste of course, and filled with super juicy talk about the film and ultra woke politics afterwards!

So it seems like I have a pretty good life but I'm always wanting more...wanting that searing, blinding hot romantic connection that used to come all the time and now comes unexpectedly and SHATTERS me for 6 months. I never wanted anything more than I wanted Antarctica, but this past summer, I did want something that badly. I went through something I'd never been through before, and I'm just gonna leave it at that...but as long as I have trips to look forward to, I'm happy. That is my real home: doing all the planning and excitement about the trip, getting no sleep on the trip and feeling exhausted, and getting to have ecstatic conversations with people all over the world...

Damn I've written my way into seeing how great my life is...what a joy to have the gift of automatic writing bring all the things you need to you.