Thursday, August 18, 2011
I have too much time on my hands and there's not enough time for all the mulling it over I have to do. Two friends I've known for over 30 years visited me in the past two weeks and it made me realize that I'm not young anymore. Been hobbling around with plantar fasciitis and had to get orthotics. Have always taken if for granted that I could walk all day forever...many, many friends are deploying to the Ice and I'm trying not to fall into a rat-hole of gloom over it. I can go back someday. Went off of a sleeping medication I'd been on for 7 years and now am free from any type of pharmaceuticals. I am trying to prove to myself that I can be happy off Ice...I don't really believe it yet but I am going to try and find out if it's possible. I am taking time off to take care of my dog. I'm taking a writing workshop at Powell's bookstore and it is fun. I have too much free time, but a job the job my temp job as a meter reader starts in a week. Summer in Portland is still summer but it doesn't suck as badly as summer in Austin. I have come to the realization lately that if my life is not exciting and jam packed with exciting events, I tend to want to jump off a bridge. A month ago my biggest fear was boredom, two weeks ago not sleeping, and now: not being able to walk. The cycle of life seems slow right now and I like things to go quickly. I accept my situation but I don't like it. There is am amazing homeless lady in the park in front of my house who has very long and exhausting conversations with the air all day. I've been watching her for weeks, and today she was in a long, smiling embrace with a homeless man whose beens sitting on a bench a block away. I felt emotional when I saw them, and wanted to watch more but walked on. There are so many things I could do but I am hardly doing any of them. I am doing so many things but have nothing to show for it. Be careful what you wish for cuz you might get it and then wish you could go back in to the time you were the poorest...but happiest...supposedly. supposebly. I have lived in Portland 4 months and have had three jobs, three roadtrips and three visitors. I hope, that it is true, like Michele said, that there is a benevolent force guiding the universe. The sunset from my 22nd floor window is magnificent. The lights are coming on on all the downtown buildings and I am freed from the day, allowed to fall into the anonymous limbo of night.