Sunday, September 15, 2013

Almost Winter

Government Camp, OR

I just read my previous post and it was so one dimensional in its eternal stuckness, and epically boring in its sad craving for what I have to postpone. I have a LIFE off of the Ice. I have so many experiences of exotic trips and and have moved three times in the state of Oregon and even bought a ski cabin on Mt. Hood. I have friends who truly dig me up here. It was a very hard decision to stay or leave Oregon. I miss Texas and even though I love the natural beauty of OR I am not crazy about the people. But I have chosen this as my home for now and am nestling in to my service commitments and job hunting.

I have started practicing yoga again and sell my handknitted goodies for a fortune, but it's not a sustainable income. I haven't worked in almost a year and that is gnawing at me as I'm not ready to be retired. I got a call from one of our three ski resorts asking if I'd be interested in being a groomer on the slopes. WOW! I went and talked the the guy and he showed me the Cats and the shop and it was pretty intimidating - like the time I went to North Dakota to  look into driving a truck and realized I'd need some experience before going out there green. It seems so long ago that I felt so truly alive in those old yellow tractors on the Ice. Big Sigh.

Just got back from 10 days in Toas from a workshop that I've done many times and came away as blissed out as I am every time I do it. When I do this work I feel this impending limitless possibility of what my life could be. I am starting to see that instead of missing my life on Ice I can take a proactive stance of wishing my Ice tribe well and only keeping good thoughts in my head about it. One of my biggest (and newer) dreams is about to come true: I now life 15 minutes from the ski resort and can ski every day if I want. I couldn't do that if I were deploying. I have spent the last seven years since I took my first lesson trying to figure out a way to ski 100 days in a season. It sounds easy: just move to the mountain, but it took some twists and turns to get here. I feel so passionate about skiing. I feel passionate about knitting and seeing really good films and the surprisingly awesome tv programs that are on now (I can't believe I just wrote that). I feel passionate about yoga - I just happened to move somewhere with an incredible teacher who makes me feel euphoric after a class. The hot horrible wheather is over and the clouds and rain are back and my depression is over. It is always that simple: the incredible warm womb of winter; the white silent snowy soulful place that makes me feel that not only is everything going to be okay but that everything is going to be incredible. I can almost say that I love where I live. I have been resentful of my reality for 2.5 years as I've felt the greatest thing I ever had has been taken away from me, while at the same time refusing to see the goodies in front of me. Can I finally enlarge myself to hold the fierce envy and confusing feelings about the Ice and my present good circumstances at the same time? This last trip into the sharp experience of Taos left me believing there was no choice if I want to experience peace. Yes I miss the Ice badly. Yes I am excited about getting a job at the resort and skiing a lot. Yes, yes, yes. I must absolutely get over the feeling that I am a victim of circumstances and see that I am making a choice every step of the way. My only choice now is to surrender to the present as it's the only thing I've got.