Friday, July 30, 2010

Collapsible German Building

That is a band name we came up with in the old days when we were sitting around partying after the clubs closed and we were up all night. So 80's. So pretentious. I remember everything about that night...and could have never predicted how the next 30 years (did I say thirty?) would turn out. When the rough patches occur (and boy did I just have one) one's life feels very constricted and small...but in the darkest day before the dawn, and I am starting to see dawn, the innumerable blessings and good stuff that has happened in my life since 1980 seems almost overwhelming. And losing something I thought I really needed leaves a space for What I really needed to show up...

I posted these old photos because I lost my usb cord to my camera and didn't feel like I had enough interesting things to say to have a photoless blog posting. I took these photos back in March yet have been obsessed with this imagery for many years. They were all taken within a block from my apt, and I love them like I love my old paintings. When I started tweaking the color/saturation/etc. I started loving them even more - so that I printed 5 X 7's of them at Walgreens (from my bed in my pajamas) and have them framed and ready to hang. I'd been whining about not having a creative life anymore and had various excuses about why I couldn't do it the main one being I didn't have the space. And one morning I woke up & just did this from bed and saw how fricking easy it was. I also just made some bitchin looking business cards on the web and didn't have to go buy Photoshop(tm) or anything like that.

I will be on the Ice two weeks from tomorrow. My seventh deployment (did I say seventh?). I knew when I got off that plane in 2004 that I would do this Ice thing as long as I could - I just didn't realize how fast the time would fly by. I will have a much more challenging job this time and I am truly excited to be doing something new. A lot of friends I haven't seen in a while are coming back, and I so look forward to that first day hugging all my pals who wintered. It's going to be a very long season, so I'm going down with a fresh mental attitude and my spiritual toolkit that I rely on utterly stateside but rarely pick up on Ice.

I never blogged about Colombia: Bogota was wonderful. My friend Eric was there he was a great companion to me there. Cartagena was magical and beautiful, Tolu paradise, and the rest interesting and beautiful if you can handle the heat. I could not and got deathly ill. Went with a tour group and, unusually for me, did not bond with anyone on it - that was rough, as I'm used to making at least one super tight buddy on a trip. I travelled a lot this off season, but only one trip was magnificent: NYC. The place I've been to the most turned out to be the most is the greatest city in the world, and I bet I'll still believe that after I visit the few major ones I have left.

My Austin time has been a mix of tons of fun, extreme frustration from bordedom and loose ends, and a "shock & awe" style facebook incident that made my ass fall off. That was 21 days ago, and I am recovering...and even looking forward to a new and exciting life of not settling again in certain areas of my life. Since I am turning fifty (did I say fifty?) this year, it would behoove me to conjur up the type of relationships befitting a smart, sensitive and evolved chick like myself. It's time to play big, and enlarge my concept of what I want and what I won't stand for. I made a copper pendant in the machine shop of the Heavy Shop last season and hand stamped it with the words "Never Settle," with a special date stamped on the back. There is an area of my life that I have compromised myself in and have paid a heavy price for it over the years. But I was truly doing the best I could in those moments (years)...but I have an opportunity to do something new. I'm taking my little copper block with me in my to Mactown so maybe I'll heed it's advice.

Oh, and I hope to never take for granted the enormous amount of love and support that is always available to me out there in the world. So many loving friends, family members, my adorable pooch - the clouds and trees and earth seem to support me too. When I just trust in this unbelievably loving force that seems to permeate the universe, what could I want for? As always, even though it may feel like you're getting a barbed wire enema at times, there is one thing for certain: the pain does end, and the puffy clouds that float by and make me feel euphoric remind me that all is ephemeral.

Monday, July 05, 2010