Saturday, October 30, 2010

Life and Fear

Soon I will be driving a farm tractor hauling sleds of fuel and various other materials across the vast desert of Western Antarctica. There will be three of us for the bulk of the journey, adding three more for half of it. I am the equipment operator and there will be two mechanics. In the two field camps we visit, I will be using a track loader to unload and stage various cargo. I have never been to a field camp before, or been on a traverse. I have only been an equipment operator for two months now, and this unique opportunity fell into my lap. I am still a bit overwhelmed by how the track of my life has changed so quickly. I had just gotten used to feeling super confident in my duty fork job (and I had been so apprehensive and fearful about it), and in the flash of a moment I will be doing something totally different. I used to work at a large University where people stayed in the same job for 5, 10, 30 years. I never understood it. I guess if they loved it and felt passionate about it I would understand, but most of these people had settled for security and retirement benefits and whatever dream they had had at one point had been pushed way underground, underneath the daily concerns of bills to be paid, family woes, and domestic routines. Having made the choice at an early age to not have a family of my own, I had the luxury of having only myself to worry about in my decision making about my future. The other day I was sitting around a room with some dear friends from here and one of them said  "....there is no greater thing in life than to find someone who loves you that you can love in return...."  and I immediately wanted to have a discussion with him about it because that might be true, but for some there might be no finer thing in life than to paint every day until they die. Ironically, this gathering of friends was a sort of commitment ceremony that I was having with a man here that I love. It was informal and touching and brimming with emotion - a ceremony in spirit only. In this state of bliss I find myself in romantically I can see that his words are true: there couldn't be anything finer than this! But I also know that sometimes a dream burns inside one so brightly that a choice has to be made, something given up in order to find the pearl at any price. It was never a dream of mine to drive a tractor across Antarctica. I couldn't dream that big. I dreamed of coming here & just doing anything to be here, but never did I think I would be doing something that sounded so....badass...and more importantly: doing something I have no experience or particular gifts in. As the space widens between that clerical worker I was for so many years to the outdoor rig driver I am today, it is so important for me to remember that none of this was an accident. It was all something that was deeply yearned for. I wasn't sure the form it was going to show up in but the universe knew I needed challenges in a big way. I have been so afraid so many times in this Antarctic career: the times I had to operate equipment for offload, the moment after I signed my Fleet Ops contract, and mostly, the first time I came down. The fear bundle that came up after saying yes to the PIG Traverse was so engulfing I almost changed my mind. But I also know how my mind works when some big new unknown element comes in: full on fight or flight mode terror. I know I've overused this example but learning to ski was the most concrete and informative experience I've had in learning how how big and powerful and unreal fear is. I believed the fear. I was invested in it. But when I decided to stop listening to it, my life changed in an instant. My wisest friend said to me once (when I was full of fear about deploying for the first time) that "anything hard is worth doing..." What a beautiful sentiment. In my experience I have found this to be true. My identity as a townie who loves attention and is a fool for dancing will peel away as I plow westward with nothing but flat white and my spinning mind for stimulation. I will go into it with the only attitude that makes sense: it's gonna be awesome.

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

Please write more installments about the Pig Traverse, How did it go?